A Demon's Redemption
by PretendFan
Summary: Set in the same universe as my stories "Repentance and Clemency", "Sick", and "Soul Mates". Azrael is given a second chance. Can our former muse/demon succeed?
1. The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship?

Disclaimer:  Dogma and all its characters belong to the brilliant-if extreme-Kevin Smith.  I am making no money off this.

Author's Note:  I'm in love with Jason Lee and loved the character Azrael in Dogma so I thought I'd give it a shot at writing an Azrael fic.  Add to that the fact that there is a certain lack-ahem!-of Azrael fics, I just felt the need and desire to write such a fic.  So here goes!  

Rated: PG-13 (for language and minimal sexual reference)

PS: Please review after you've read this.

"Aw, shit!"  Azrael closed his eyes and rubbed them before opening them again.  Yep, it was true.  He was officially out of Hell…and stuck on earth.  "He wasn't just torturing me!"  Azrael groaned.

            Slowly, the demon got to his feet, brushing the dust off his once pristine suit.  A sudden breeze ruffled his hair and he realized he was missing something.  Glancing downward, he noticed his hat lying upside down at his feet.  Azrael bent down to retrieve it and place it back on his head, successfully concealing his horns.  His outfit now complete, he looked around him in an attempt to determine where exactly he was.

            The demon quickly realized he was standing at the entrance of a shallow alley.  On the sidewalk in front of him, uncountable amounts of people were flowing past, all in the same direction.  It definitely wasn't Hell.  Some of them looked happy.  Azrael glowered at them.  _Fucking meat puppets._

            Azrael turned his back on the mortals.  He stared intently at the ground, as though striving to see beyond the mortal realm into the pits of Hell.  "Why the fuck did you send me here?"

            _You almost fuckin' ruined my chance at conquering Heaven!  _The incensed voice echoed in the demon's mind.

            Azrael winced.  Just like God Herself, Satan was not someone you wanted pissed at you.  But since Satan was already pissed beyond belief…"Fuck you," he mumbled and turned to step out onto the street.  

            Immediately, one of the meat puppets crashed into him.  "Hey!"

            The meat puppet, a young man in a business suit, brushed by the demon without looking at him.  "Watch where you're going, asshole!"

            "Rude fuck," Azrael murmured as he took another step forward.

            A second person smashed into him, this one a woman.  "Out of the way, imbecile," she growled, sidestepping him and quickly continuing on her way.

            Azrael clenched his hands and gritted his teeth.  "Damn, these mortals are in a rush."  Deciding it would be easier to just go with the flow, he took a deep breath and turned around.

            An older man coming from the other way immediately ran into him.

            "Jesus!" Azrael cursed as he moved around the man.  "They're hitting me from all directions now!"

            Now royally pissed himself, Azrael stalked down the city streets.  Of course, he could just as easily make himself pop up somewhere he wanted to be, but in his fury the thought completely escaped his mind.  He had more pressing matters on his mind.  The most important one being just how in the hell he got in this mess.

            Without warning, a loud rumble in the sky interrupted the demon's angry thoughts and rain began to fall.  Gently at first, it soon picked up speed.  Strangely, the meat puppets didn't seem surprised at all by the sudden downpour.  Most of them calmly opened up umbrellas that almost magically appeared in their hands and continued on their way.  The rest, just as calmly, ducked under the eaves of buildings.  

            Azrael glanced skyward, cursing when a fat raindrop fell into his eye.  "The whole damn Creation is after me!"  A passerby glanced at him oddly but the demon ignored him.

            "Why didn't Satan warn me about the rain?" Azrael muttered as he continued on hurriedly.  After walking through a crosswalk, Azrael looked around for somewhere to get away from the cold rain.  Spotting an alley, he ducked into it, barely missing getting rammed by a scurrying businessman.  Azrael breathed a sigh of relief only to realize that he had not escaped the rain.  He looked up and cursed when he saw that neither building had eaves.

            "Shit!"  He looked around quickly.  At the back of the alley stood an empty cardboard box, big enough to fit a big screen TV.  Azrael's shoulders slumped.  Too tired to look anywhere else, Azrael walked over to the empty box.  Stooping as low as his tall frame would allow, he sat down inside the box.

            Azrael huddled miserably in the box, his arms around his knees.  A few drops of rain leaked through holes in the box but otherwise it kept him dry.  

            _How in the fuck did I get here?  Oh yes, now I remember.  This is all Bartleby and Loki's fault!  They could have passed through the archway and die clean, but Noo! They just _had_ to go on a fucking killing spree!  Those two fucks ruined everything!_

            "Come now, Azrael.  You of all people should know you brought this on yourself.  Trying to destroy Existence and all.  Very bad idea."

            Azrael lifted his head to glare frostily at the Voice.  "Oh, fuck you!"

            Metatron smirked.  "You and I both know that's impossible."

            Azrael rolled his eyes.  "Well, what the fuck do you want?"

            Metatron's smirk widened.  "_I_ want absolutely nothing to do with you.  But God, on the other hand, wishes to speak with you.  To you."

            Azrael stared at him.  "What?"

            Metatron sighed.  "God.  Wishes.  To.  Speak.  To.  _You_."  

            Azrael continued to stare at the Metatron, his jaw moving without any sounds coming out.  

            The Voice rolled his eyes skyward.  "Right.  Well, I'd love to stand here and wait for you to regain your ability to speak but I have better things to do with my time.  _If_ you don't mind…" With a snap of Metatron's fingers, they were out of the rain.  

Azrael looked around him with wonder.  He was home.  After all those years…_home_.  Suddenly, he felt a powerful, almost dizzying, feeling wash over him.  _She_ was here.

            Azrael sank to his knees and bowed low to the ground.  Whatever grudges he had held were washed away and he paid his respects as any good follower would do.

            **_Azrael._**

            Azrael was mortified by the whimper that escaped his lips as She spoke his name.  But he couldn't help it.  It was _Her_.

            **_Azrael.  Why did you do it?_**

****"I…don't know."

            **_Azrael._**

            Azrael winced at Her gentle but firm rebuke.  "I couldn't help it!  All those years in Hell…you have no idea what it was like!  And I didn't even do anything to deserve it!"

            He could feel Her frown.  **_You refused to fight against Satan.  You refused to defend Heaven._**

****"But I was a muse!"  His protest sounded weak even to his ears this time.

            "Would you care for some cheese with that wine?"  Metatron broke in with a smirk.  

            She looked at the Voice and he quickly wiped the smirk off his face, flushing with proper chagrin.  God turned back to the now trembling Azrael.  **_Everyone chose a side.  By refusing to fight for Me you, however inadvertently, sided yourself with Satan and his followers._**

****Azrael whimpered again, for once regretting his refusal to fight.  "I'm…sorry."

            She sighed.  **_What am I to do with you, Azrael?_**

****"You forgave those two f—I mean, Bartleby and Loki.  Can't you forgive me, too?"

            "Oh, God, just forgive him or throw him out!  Anything not to have his sniveling."  The Voice cringed at the glare She threw him.  "Sorry," he mumbled.

            **_Maybe there is something…_**

            "I'll do anything!"

            Azrael felt Her smile and his trembling ceased.  **_You may come back to Heaven._**

****Azrael couldn't help looking up hopefully at Her words.

            **_But only after all your sins have been absolved._**

****"How?"

            She smiled.  **_By keeping Bartleby and Loki in hand._**

****"WHAT?"  Azrael couldn't believe what he was hearing.

            Her smiled widened.  **_You may live out a mortal life but you'll have to make sure Bartleby and Loki don't mess up their chance to return to Heaven._**

****"That's it?"

            She smiled.  **_Yes._**

****"T-Thank you," he managed to mutter, ducking his head down.

            She smiled and knelt down, gripping his chin and lifting his head up.  He couldn't-wouldn't-look away.  **_I love all my Creations.  Even when they fall from grace.  _**She smiled, kissed his cheek, and then a flash of light blinded him.

            When the blinding light receded, Azrael found himself huddled in the cardboard box again.  Looking up, he saw the Metatron standing over him.

            "Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"

            Azrael stared at the ground, thinking of Her.

            Metatron watched for a minute before growing restless.  "So, do you have any questions?"

            Azrael looked up.  "Yeah.  Where are those two fucks hanging out?"

            "Bartleby and Loki?  They live in an apartment building on the edge of town."

            "Well, are you going to take me there or what?"

            Metatron smirked.  "Wouldn't you rather take a nice bus?  After all, since you're mortal now, you'll have to start using public transportation."

            Azrael's glare was answer enough.

            Metatron scowled.  "Fine, fine.  You don't have to get all huffy about it."  Muttering about pushy people, the Voice lifted his hand and snapped his fingers.

            Azrael then found himself in the middle of a busy sidewalk.  Nobody seemed to notice him appear out of nowhere and anyone who did quickly convinced themselves he'd been standing there the whole time.  Azrael looked up at the building in front of him.

            "Wait a second!  He never told me which apartment they live in.  Hell, he didn't even tell me the floor!"  Grumbling, Azrael walked up to the building's steps.  He glanced around, hoping there was someone who could help him.  To the right of the steps, he suddenly spotted a small table with a kid sitting behind it.  A sign taped above the table read in scrawled, marker writing 

Lemonade $1.00 

_Ice $0.25_

_Sugar $0.75_

Deciding he might as well try it, Azrael walked up to the kid.  "Hey."

            "Hi."  The kid studied him intently for a second.  "Are you a pimp?"

            Azrael looked at the kid, confused.  "What?  Uh, no, no I'm not."

            "Oh."  The kid stared silently at him a minute before lifting up a small Dixie cup.  "Lemonade?"   

            "Um, no.  Look, do you live here?"

            "You mean in this building?"

            Azrael nodded.  "Yeah."

            The kid lifted the cup.  "Lemonade."

            Azrael shook his head.  "No, I just want to ask you a question."

            "You already did," the kid pointed out.

            Azrael stared at him.  "Okay, I want to ask you another question."

            "You have to buy a cup of lemonade first."

            "Look, kid-"

            The kid crossed his arms.  "Lemonade first.  Answers after."

            Azrael sighed.  "Fine."  He slipped his hand into his back pocket, surprised to feel soft leather under his fingers.  He pulled out a brown wallet wonderingly.  He shrugged and pulled out a dollar bill.

            The kid accepted the bill with a smile and poured some of the yellow liquid from a large canister.  "Sugar?"

            Azrael looked around, hoping to find someone else to talk to.  Nobody surfaced.  "Yeah, sure."

            "75 cents."

            Azrael growled and pulled out another dollar bill.  "Put ice in it, too."

            The kid smilingly accepted the second bill.  "Okay."  With a plastic scoop, the kid slipped an ice cube into the liquid then poured in a scoop of sugar.

            "That's only one cube," Azrael pointed out, thinking the kid had forgotten to add more.

            "I know.  It's 25 cents for each cube."

            "That's not what the sign says."

            The kid shrugged.  "My mistake."

            Azrael gritted his teeth.  "Okay, I bought some lemonade, now answer my question."

            "Drink it first," the kid demanded.

            Azrael growled.  He picked up the cup and quickly downed the liquid.  He slammed the cup down and glared at the kid.  "Now.  Answer.  My.  Question."

            "I live on the fifth floor," the kid replied with a cheerful smile.

            "Oh, good."  Azrael's tension eased.  "Can you answer another question?  And I'm not buying any more lemonade."

            The kid shrugged.  "Fine.  What's the question?"

            "Well, I'm looking for two friends of mine-"

            "You wanna know if they live in this building."

            Azrael nodded.  "Yeah."

            "I dunno."  The kid rolled his eyes upwards.  "I don't know all that many people in this building…" he trailed off and held out his hand expectantly.

            Azrael gave the kid a deathly glare.  "Does the word extortion mean anything to you?"

            The kid smiled innocently.  "Nope."

            Growling, Azrael dug around in his wallet, eventually pulling out a ten-dollar bill.  "Here, you little brat."

            The kid stared at the ten.  "I have to tell Mom I need glasses.  I only see a ten here."

            "Why you-" cutting himself off, the former demon pulled out another ten.

            The kid accepted the bills and smiled up at Azrael.  "Ask away."

            Azrael rolled his eyes.  "I'm looking for two guys-one of them is this tall and blond, and the other guy is taller and dark-haired."

            "Oh, I know them.  They walk their dog in the park every other day."

            "Their dog?"

            "Yeah, they got it from the shelter a few weeks ago."

            "Hey, are you two talking about those two gay guys?"  A third voice spoke up from behind Azrael.  It was a teen a few years older than the kid and wearing a backwards baseball cap.

            "Gay guys?  What the hell?"

            The kid nodded, ignoring Azrael's outburst.  "Yeah, them."

            "Wait, wait!  How do you know they're gay?"

            The teen rolled his eyes.  "Two guys living alone together, with a dog.  What else are we supposed to think?"

            Azrael shrugged.  "They could be friends."

            The teen smirked.  "Oh, they're definitely gay.  I heard my mom tell my aunt over the phone that she can hear them every night through the walls."

            "Doing what?"

            The teen arched a brow.  "You know what."

            "What floor do you live on?"

            The teen looked him up and down with a smirk.  "That all depends," he said, holding out a hand.

            Azrael stood in front of the door, feeling unnaturally nervous.  The former demon was not used to being nervous.  For a full minute he couldn't move, just stare straight at the door in front of him.  Finally, he slowly raised a hand and banged on the door.  Barking immediately broke out from inside.  Azrael quickly plucked his hat off his head and used it to cover the peephole.  He wasn't quite sure how he would be received and decided he wanted the advantage of the element of surprise.  

            _So they do have a dog_, he thought idly as he waited for the door to open, the sound of barking now coming from right inside the door.  He started to hum a tune under his breath while he waited.

            "Shut up, will ya?" an annoyed voice spoke up suddenly from behind the door.  The barking ceased and the door suddenly sprung open.  "Why'd you cover the-" Bartleby stopped speaking as he noticed the identity of his visitor.

            Azrael grinned cockily, brushing aside all his nervousness.  "How's Earth treatin' ya?"

            "Azrael?"  Bartleby stared at him wide-eyed.  

            "In the flesh," Azrael replied, sauntering in before Bartleby could slam the door in his face.

            "Hey, By, who's at the-" Loki walked out of the room nearest to the door only to halt and stare in astonishment at the former demon standing innocently in their living room.

            "Surprise," Azrael snickered, taking in the fact that Loki was dressed only in a pair of boxers.

            "Az?  Wh-What are you doing here?"

            Azrael looked down at the dog, which was standing a short distance away from him, staring.  "I see that you do have a dog.  That kid outside the building said you did but I didn't believe him.  Nice doggy."  Azrael leaned down to pet it, only to have the dog growl and snap at his hand.  Azrael jumped back.  "Son of a-"

            "She's a bitch, actually.  Or she was."  Bartleby smirked as he leaned down and pat the dog, which happily wagged her tail.

            Azrael carefully inspected his hand.  Luckily, the dog hadn't bitten him.  "Yeah, well, you should teach her some manners."

            "You're one to speak," Loki grumbled.  "You barged in on us."

            Bartleby turned to Azrael.  "That's right.  What are you doing here?  I thought you'd be back in Hell by now."

            Azrael shrugged casually.  "Well, I was, until Lucifer threw me out."

            Loki snickered.  "Lucifer threw you out?"

            Azrael glared at him.  "He was a little pissed that I tried to end existence."

            "And you decided to find us?"  Bartleby's brow furrowed, a suspicious glint in his eyes.

            Azrael studied his fingernails intently.  "Well, actually, God sent Metatron to find me and bring me to Heaven."

            "Heaven?"  Bartleby's jaw dropped and Loki's eyes widened.

            Azrael looked up at them, his face strangely softened.  "She wanted to speak to me."  He looked down at the floor.  "She told me that She would absolve me of my sins if I kept you two out of trouble."

            "What?"  Bartleby cried, his brown eyes widening in shock.

            "_You?  _Keep _us_ out of trouble?"  Loki shook his head with wonder.

            Azrael looked back up, smirking slightly.  "Don't look at me.  I wondered the same thing."

            Bartleby straightened up, staring hard at Azrael.  "There is no way we're letting you stay here.  You almost made us erase existence!"

            Azrael sneered.  "The way I hear it, you knew what you were doing at the end."

            Loki quickly jumped to Bartleby's defense.  "That was partly your fault!"

            "My fault?  How is it my fault anal-retentive boy, here, freaked out?"

            "Don't yell at him!"

            Soon all three were shouting and arguing.  The dog promptly joined in, barking and growling at Azrael.  Azrael kicked at the dog and Bartleby and Loki quickly hollered at him.  They then argued over his actions against the dog.  The apartment was filled with their yelling.

            A shrill whistle interrupted them.  Bartleby, Loki, and Azrael covered their ears to block the painful sound and the dog raced away into the closest bedroom with a yelp.

            "Jesus, you people are vociferous," a familiar voice drawled after a moment of silence.  Azrael, Bartleby, and Loki stared at the Voice.  Metatron shook his head.  "God heard you arguing and sent me to stop it.  Now, what's the matter?"  The three of them simultaneously opened their mouths to speak but he quickly lifted a hand.  "No, I'd rather not have a repeat performance."

            Metatron crossed his arms over his chest and glared sternly at the three of them.  "You three have been given a second chance by God to make things right.  You should be falling all over yourselves to please Her instead of squabbling like a bunch of children."

            Azrael, Bartleby, and Loki exchanged guilty looks then stared at the ground.

            Metatron smiled.  "That's better.  Now, can I trust you three to behave like good little boys, or will I have to send someone else to keep an eye on you?"

            The three muttered dissent to his latter proposition.

            Metatron breathed a sigh of relief.  "Thank you.  I'll leave you three here, then.  Could you please just try to get along?  It's not my idea of a good time to play babysitter to you three."  Before they could answer, he snapped his fingers and disappeared again.

            The three of them stood silently for a few minutes.  Finally, Bartleby cleared his throat.  "Well, I guess you could stay in the other bedroom," he said hesitantly.

            Loki coughed and shrugged uneasily.  "Yeah, it's not like we use it anymore."

            Azrael smirked.  "So I've heard."

            "What?"

            Azrael grinned.  "Oh, nothing."

A/N: I wasn't originally planning on tossing Azrael in with Bartleby and Loki, but I couldn't think of anything else to do with him.  Hope you enjoyed the story.  Please, review once you're done reading.  Thank you.

            


	2. Azrael Gets Laid

Disclaimer:  Dogma and all its characters belong to the brilliant-if extreme-Kevin Smith.  I am making no money off this.

Author's Note:  As was pointed out to me when I posted the original part of this, the story was more of a prologue than a complete story.  So I've decided to attempt to make this a series of stories featuring Bartleby, Loki, and of course Azrael.  Oh, and be warned, the story is a bit slashy.  

Rated: R 

Reviews are welcome and encouraged.  Constructive criticism welcome, too.

            Loki stumbled out of the bedroom, clad only in a pair of boxers.  He paused at the sight of a figure lounging on the living room couch.  For a moment the sight of a boxer-clad Azrael watching TV in their living room bewildered him.  Then he remembered why the former demon was in their apartment.  

            Azrael glanced up and grinned at the sight of Loki standing in the bedroom doorway.  "Well, good-morning roomie!"  

            Loki squinted in the morning light.  "How long have you been up?"

            Azrael lifted a bare wrist as if to look at a watch.  "Oh, I've been up for hours," he said cheerfully.  

            Loki eyed him suspiciously.  "Why are you so cheerful?"  

            Azrael twisted around to look at Loki.  "I just slept for six hours in a soft bed and I've been watching whatever I want on TV for the first time…ever!  This is the best time I've had since I got kicked out of Heaven."

            Loki couldn't think of an answer so he just shrugged and headed for the kitchen.  Azrael shut off the TV and followed him.  

            "So, where's your lover?"  Azrael smirked.  Humming under his breath, the former demon pulled a bowl out of the cupboard and started preparing himself a bowl of cereal. 

            Loki rolled his eyes.  "_Bartleby_ is getting ready for work."  He opened the refrigerator and took out a carton of milk.

            Azrael sat down to eat.  "Say, what does Bartleby do?"

            Loki paused in the middle of pouring a glass of milk.  "Y'know, I have no idea."  

            Azrael raised his eyebrows.  "You don't even know what he does?  Jeezus, do you ever even talk to each other?"

            Loki rolled his eyes.  "Of course we talk to each other!  What do you think we do all the time?"  Loki sighed when Azrael only waggled his eyebrows in answer.  "Just shut up and eat your cereal."

            "Touchy, touchy," Azrael teased, popping a big spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

            Loki opened his mouth to reply when Bartleby strolled in, fully dressed.  "Morning," the dark-haired former angel greeted the two. 

            "Hey, Bartleby, what do you do?"  

            Bartleby glanced at Azrael.  "None of your business."  

            Azrael rolled his eyes and took another bite of cereal, muttering, "Ask a simple question…"

            Bartleby wandered over to the fridge and opened it, perusing the shelves.  "No orange juice," he finally announced, shutting the door.

            "The milk's out if you want it," Loki told him.  

            "All right, thanks."  Bartleby sighed and grabbed a cup. 

            Azrael shook his head, munching audibly on cereal.  

            Bartleby caught the subtle motion and turned to him.  "What?"

            Azrael snickered through his cereal.  "You two are such a married couple."

            Bartleby rolled his eyes.  "You're just jealous, Az."  

            "Yeah, right," Azrael replied sardonically.

            "Just shut up and eat your cereal."  Bartleby's brow furrowed when Azrael started laughing.  "What?"

            Azrael just shook his head, still laughing.  

            Bartleby glared at him while finishing his drink.  He rinsed out the cup and set it by the sink.  "Whatever.  I don't have time for this.  I gotta get to work."  He leaned down to kiss Loki good-bye.

            Azrael grimaced.  "Eww, some people are trying to eat here!"

            Bartleby pulled away from Loki to glare balefully at the former demon.  "Hey, if you don't like the view, leave the room."

            Azrael rolled his eyes but turned away and went back to eating his cereal.

            Bartleby kissed Loki again, drawing it out.  "I might be a little late from work," he said once he finally pulled away.  He raised his voice so Azrael would be sure to listen.  "Is it safe for me to leave you two alone together, or should I call in sick?"  

            Azrael smirked at him.  "Don't worry, June, the Beav and I will play nice."  

            Bartleby glanced at Loki, who mumbled an acquiescent.  "Just try not to kill each other, boys.  All right?"  He ruffled Loki's hair lovingly before heading out the door.

            Loki turned to Azrael once Bartleby had left.  "The Beav?"  

            Azrael shrugged, grinning sheepishly.  "TV Land was the only station with anything on."

*****

            "Hey, is there anything to do around here?"  Azrael asked Loki when the blond stepped out of the bedroom, now fully dressed.

            "We're in Wisconsin, what do you think?"  

            Azrael shrugged and flipped the channel.

            Loki moved to join him on the couch but stopped at the sight of Chance, their dog, curled up beside Azrael.  "I thought she didn't like you."

            "Who?"  Azrael looked down at the dog, which looked back up at him.  "Oh, her?"  He shrugged, flipping the channel again.  "We struck a deal.  She doesn't bite me and I let her have half my meals for a week."

            "You struck a deal with a dog?"  Loki stared at Azrael in wonder.

            "Yeah, so?  I've made lots of deals in my time…"  Azrael continued to flip through the channels.

            "Are you really that bored?"

            Azrael looked up at Loki.  "I've flipped through every channel on this TV fifteen times.  Does that sound bored to you?"

            Loki shrugged and sat down.  "Yeah."

            "So what do you do all day while anal-retentive boy's at work?"

            Loki scowled.  "Don't call him that.  It all depends.  Sometimes I watch TV all day and sometimes I go walking with the dog…  That's it!"

            Azrael raised his eyebrows, still staring at the tube.  "What's it?"

            "We can go to the park.  Take the dog for a walk."

            "I don't do parks," Azrael replied dully.

            Loki rolled his eyes.  "Well, it's better than hanging out here watching nothing on TV."

            "What's at the park?"

            Loki shrugged.  "A bunch of stuff.  There's the beautiful scenery, walking and jogging trails, and benches to feed the pigeons on, or whatever."  Loki chuckled.  "And Bartleby and I like to scope out the women every once in a while.  You wouldn't believe how many beautiful women you can find in a park."

            Azrael paused in the middle of flipping the channel.  "Women?" he repeated, for the first time showing great interest in the conversation.

            Loki glanced sideways at him.  "Uh, yeah."

            Azrael jumped up.  "All right, roomie, let's go to the park."

            Loki stared at the former demon, bewildered by Azrael's sudden change in attitude.  "Huh?"

            Azrael turned to him, grinning widely.  "Loki, old buddy, I need to get laid."

            "What?"  Loki exclaimed, jumping up.

            "You heard me.  If I'm going to be human for a while, I might as well enjoy the benefits."

            Loki frowned.  "And you want to do this in the park?"

            Azrael looked at him oddly before rolling his eyes.  "No, stupid!  I want to pick up chics in the park.  I'll do the laying over here."  

            "You want to bring a girl here?"

            "Hey!  I spent two hours last night trying to get to sleep while you two were going at it.  Hell, if I bring a chic over you probably won't even notice!"

            Loki sighed and rubbed his forehead.  "All right, all right."

*****

            "So, where are all the chics?"  Azrael rubbed his hands together and looked around expectantly.  

            Loki rolled his eyes, questioning his intelligence for bringing the former demon with him.  "Just keep yourself in check, Az.  Keep that up and you'll scare them all away."

            Azrael scowled.  "I didn't come here for the scenery."  He looked around the park, annoyed at only seeing lots of trees and green grass.  

            "C'mon, Az, they're not just going to flock to you.  You have to look."  Without waiting for Azrael's response, Loki walked off with Chance trotting at his side.

            Azrael slowly followed him, still scowling.  "How would you know, anyways?"

            Loki looked over his shoulder.  "And you would know better?"  The three of them walked in silence for a few minutes, pausing every now and then to let Chance sniff at a tree or bush.

            "I just thought of something that bothers me," Azrael suddenly piped up.

            Loki glanced at him.  "What?"

            "You said you and Bartleby like to scope the women."

            "Yeah, so?"

            "I thought you two were together?"

            "We are."  Loki smirked at Azrael.  "Just because two guys are in a relationship doesn't mean they can't appreciate hot women."

            "Well, yeah…"

            Suddenly catching on, Loki rolled his eyes in exasperation.  "Hey, just because I fuck another guy doesn't make me gay!"  

            Azrael raised his eyebrows.  "If you say so."

            The threesome continued walking in silence.  When they stopped for the thousandth time to let Chance sniff a bush, Azrael finally broke the silence.

            "Jeezus!  Does she _have_ to stop and sniff _every_ tree and bush we pass?" the former demon huffed.

            But Loki was distracted by movement from the corner of his eye.  He turned his head to get a good look.  "Hey, Az," he said.

            "What?" Azrael snapped, visibly annoyed.

            "There's a hot woman."  Loki pointed to a woman walking quickly down the path near the one the threesome was on.

            "Really?"  Azrael turned eagerly to look.  "What do I do?" he then asked, suddenly rounding on Loki.

            Loki shrugged.  "Go talk to her, man."  He turned Azrael in the woman's direction and clapped him on the back.  "Good luck."

            "Right.  Talk to her."  Azrael strode off, taking a deep breath.  He had to break into a run to catch up with the woman, but he finally did and slowed to match her pace.  

            "Hey," Azrael said in greeting, ignoring the annoyed look she'd shot at him.

            "Hey," she replied with little enthusiasm.

            Azrael took in a deep breath of air then expelled it.  "Lovely day, isn't it?"       

            "Mmm-hmm," was the woman's vague reply.

            "Yeah, I was just telling my roommate that this morning," Azrael went on, ignoring the fact that the woman seemed little interested.  "That's why we decided to come to the park.  There's nothing better than a good walk in the park."  Azrael eyed the woman sideways, trying to gauge her interest.

            Azrael's words seemed to have sparked some interest in the woman.  She looked at him more closely for the first time.  "Really.  Where's your roommate?"

            "Oh, he's back there somewhere, walking his dog."  Azrael indicated behind them vaguely with his hand.

            The woman turned her head to look over her shoulder.  She spotted Loki walking Chance only a few feet behind them.  "That's your roommate?"  She indicated Loki with her finger.

            Azrael turned his head to look, too.  "Yep, that's him."

            "You know Larry?" the woman asked.

            "Larry?"  Confusion crossed Azrael's face.

            "So you're friends with Larry and Barry?"

            "Oh, yeah," Azrael said, realizing who she was talking about.

            "I've met them a couple times walking their dog together.  They're really a cute couple.  I think it's great that they don't worry what people think about them."

            "Yeah.  Great."

            The woman looked at him.  "What about you?  Are you…?"

            "No!  Not at all," Azrael quickly hastened to say.

            The woman smiled.  "They've never mentioned someone was living with them."

            Azrael grinned and shrugged.  "Probably because I just moved in with them."

            "Really?  Why?"

            "It's a long story," Azrael said warningly.  

            The woman smiled, her eyes showing her interest.  "I wouldn't mind hearing it."

            "No?"  The woman shook her head.  "Well, all right.  You see, I actually used to be a demon.  Y'know, like in the Bible.  And, well, I tried to erase existence, which you can tell didn't work out.  So God told me that if I made up for all the bad things I'd done, She'd allow me back into Heaven.  Which is why I'm down here, as a mortal."

            The woman suddenly stopped walking, all the color draining from her face.  "What?"

            Azrael grinned, barely taking in her pale appearance.  "No, it gets better.  So I'm staying with Lo-uh-Larry and Barry, right?  And, well, I've never been human before so I've never been with a woman.  So I decide to make the most of it and have some fun.  Which is why I decide to come here and pick up chics."  He turned toward the woman and flashed his best smile.  "So, what do you say?  Want to fuck me?"

            The woman gaped at him for a moment before slapping him hard across the face.  "Psycho!"  The woman quickly made her getaway, not once daring to look over her shoulder.

            Azrael lifted a hand to touch his stinging cheek.  "So that's why they call it being bitch-slapped."  Azrael grimaced and rubbed his cheek.  "And they said honesty was the best policy."  Sighing dejectedly, he headed back to where he'd left Loki.

            "What happened?"  Loki asked when the former demon reached him.

            Azrael shrugged.  "I don't know.  I just asked her if she wanted to fuck me and she slapped me."

            Loki snickered and rolled his eyes.  "Maybe you should try a more subtle approach."

*****

            "So I was wondering if you wouldn't like to go back to my apartment with me and have a sleepover."  Azrael waggled his eyebrows and grinned.

            "Pervert!" the woman cried, smacking him smartly across the face.  She stormed off.

            "I take that that's a no?"  Azrael called after her.  He sighed when the woman flicked him off over her shoulder.

            Loki chuckled from his seat on the bench.  He'd finally decided to sit down and watch as Azrael was turned down by every woman he asked.  It was actually quite entertaining.

            "Damn it, all these women are prudes," Azrael grumbled as he took a seat beside Loki.

            "You give up?"

            Azrael glared at him.  "With these women?  Hell yes!  But there's gotta be some loose women around here."

            Loki shrugged.  "I wouldn't know."

            "You have clubs around here, don't you?"  

            "I guess."

            Azrael stood up.  "Great, let's go."

            Loki frowned.  "Where?"

            "To find loose women," Azrael replied.  

            Loki sighed and stood up as well.  "All right.  But we have to take Chance home first."

            "Fine.  Now, let's go!"

*****

            "Now this is more like it," Azrael said with a grin as they entered the dark, loud club.  

            "Yeah," Loki admitted.  He spotted the bar and headed off to get a drink.  "Happy hunting."

            Azrael mingled for a while until he spotted a beautiful woman standing off to the side, drinking a martini.  Azrael swaggered over and casually stopped beside her.  "Some place, huh?" he said in a loud tone so she could hear him over the music.

            The woman glanced at him.  "Yeah.  Great."

            Azrael bounced on his toes.  "So, you come here often?"

            The woman took a sip of her drink before looking at him.  "Usually."  She looked him up and down and smiled.  "What about you?"

            He grinned at her.  "My first time, actually."  

            "Really," the woman purred.  She took another sip of her drink.  "You dance?"

            Azrael grinned.  "I invented dancing, you know.  Well, actually I inspired the first person who danced."

            The woman chuckled, taking his comment as a joke.  "What's your name?"

            "Az-uh-I mean Alan.  What's yours?"

            The woman was about to reply when another man interposed himself between them.  "Hey, what do you think you're doing, buddy?" the man growled at Azrael.

            Azrael looked the man up and down.  They were the same height but the man outweighed Azrael by a good fifty pounds.  "I was just talking to…to…her," Azrael fumbled as he didn't know the woman's name.

            The other man glared coldly at Azrael.  "You can just forget about talking to her.  Connie's here with me."

            Azrael gulped.  "Oh, well, I-I didn't know."  Azrael glanced at the woman but she only looked bored by the confrontation.

            "Well now you do," the man growled, a hard edge to his voice.

            "Er, right!  Well, I think I'll be going now."  Azrael grinned sheepishly before retreating.  He escaped to the bar where Loki was standing.

            "Any luck?" Loki asked Azrael, his voice already slightly slurred with drink.

            "Not yet," Azrael muttered, waving to the bartender.  "Tequila, please."

            Loki grunted and took another gulp of his drink.  "Don't worry, Az, old buddy.  There's lots of drunken women here.  _One_ of them has to be desperate enough to go home with you."

            "Thanks," Azrael retorted sarcastically.  

            "Brodie?" 

            Azrael turned at the sound of a woman's husky voice.  He came face to face with a blond-haired woman.  "Who's Brodie?" 

            "I guess not," the woman said, sounding disappointed.  She smiled at Azrael.  "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

            "This Brodie guy?"

            "Yeah."  The woman paused and studied him intently.  "You look a lot like him."

            "Who is he?"

            The woman smiled and shrugged.  "Just a guy I know back in Jersey."

            "Are you from there?"

            The woman nodded.  "Yep."

            "What are you doing here?"

            The woman shrugged.  "Visiting relatives."

            Azrael nodded and took a sip of his drink.  "Can I buy you a drink?"

            The woman arched a brow and smiled.  "I try not to make it a habit of accepting drinks from guys I don't know the name of." 

            Azrael grinned sheepishly.  "The name's Alan."  He held out his hand.

            The woman smiled and shook it.  "Hello, Alan.  I'm Gwen." 

            "Gwen, can I get you a drink?"

            Gwen smiled flirtingly at him.  "Sure.  And maybe a little something else…"

*****

            Bartleby entered the apartment cautiously, put off by how dark it was.  "Hello?  Anybody here?"  Shrugging to himself, he took off his coat and hung it up.  He bypassed the kitchen, walking through the living room intent on entering his bedroom.  He stopped upon seeing a figure stretched out on their couch.  He walked over to investigate and found Loki passed out.

            "Loki?"

            The blond former angel stirred at the sound of Bartleby's voice.

            "Loki."  Bartleby shook him.

            Loki groggily opened his eyes.  "By?"

            Bartleby grinned.  "Yep."  

            Loki eased himself up, blinking and swallowing thickly.  "What time is it?"

            Bartleby rolled his eyes.  "Time for bed.  Don't tell me the two of you spent all day getting drunk."

            Loki shook his head.  "Nah.  We went to the park so Az could hit on chics only they all slapped him so then we went to some clubs.  Only the chics still slapped him, or threw their drinks at him 'til finally we got to this one club and Az finally found a chic who didn't slap him.  So he brought her back here."  

            Bartleby frowned.  "So where are they now?"

            Loki waved weakly toward Azrael's bedroom.  "Where do you think?"

            Bartleby looked at the door and suddenly noticed familiar sounds coming from behind the closed door.  He shook his head and turned his attentions back on his lover.  Loki was obviously still drunk and would need assistance getting into bed.  "Let's get you into bed, Loki."

            "Why, are you tired?"  

            Bartleby bit back a smile.  "Yeah.  Exhausted."

            Suddenly, Azrael's door opened and the former demon staggered out, wearing only his boxers.  He made it halfway across the room before noticing the pair.  "Uh, hey," he said.  He shrugged and grinned sheepishly as he headed for the kitchen.  "She wants another beer."

            Bartleby and Loki watched his departing back.  Then Bartleby turned to Loki, looking puzzled.  "Was he glowing?"        

            


	3. He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not

Disclaimer:  Dogma and all its characters belong to Kevin Smith.  I am making no money off this.

This is a series of stories featuring Bartleby, Loki, and of course, Azrael.  Oh, and be warned, the story contains some slashy stuff.  

Rated: R 

Reviews are welcome and encouraged.  Constructive criticism welcome, too.

             "Mmm, that's nice."

            "You like that?"

            "Oh, yeah."

            "How about that?"

            "Mmm.  Even better."

            "How about now?"

            "Mmm, lower.  Lower.  Yeah!  There.  Right there.  Mmm, perfect."  

            Gwen smiled down at Azrael.  She was perched lightly on top of him, straddling his hips.  "For someone who barely does anything, you certainly get a lot of knots."

            Azrael's response was a grunt, which could have been in response to Gwen's thumbs kneading down his lower spine.  The former demon didn't want a discussion to ruin the moment.  There was nothing better to end an evening than a post-coital massage.

            "Alan?"

            "What?"  Laying on his belly, face pressed into the mattress, Azrael's voice was muffled.

            "Are you sure Larry and Barry don't mind me staying over?"

            Azrael sighed, realizing there was no escaping a conversation, and pushed up on his elbows.  "Of course not.  I live here, too."

            Gwen grinned and leaned forward to ruffle his hair, which was already rumpled.  "I realized that.  I just didn't want them to get tired of me sleeping over in their apartment all the time."

            Azrael scowled slightly and ran his hand over his hair in an attempt to straighten it.  "Those two fucks probably don't even know you're here half the time.  They're too busy."  Azrael looked at her over his shoulder and waggled his eyebrows with a grin.  

             Gwen grinned and rolled her eyes, moving off him onto the mattress.  "You're real subtle, aren't you?"

            Azrael shrugged, smirking.  "I'm fucking talented, what can I say?"

            Gwen waggled her eyebrows in an imitation of him.  "In more areas than one."

            Azrael rolled over so he was on his back, folding his hands behind his head.  He flashed Gwen a cocky grin.  "I am good, aren't I?"    

            Gwen rolled her eyes again, fighting back a grin, and smacked him sharply on the stomach, eliciting a pained exclamation from Azrael.  "Don't get too cocky there, Mister.  It wasn't so long ago that a certain someone had no clue what they were doing."

            Azrael sat up quickly.  "Hey!  It wasn't my fault that I was out of practice."  

            Gwen snorted.  "Don't put up that old 'I've fucked a ton of girls' façade you guys always do.  A woman knows when she's dealing with an experienced man and when she isn't."  Seeing the pouty expression now on Azrael's face, she smiled and crawled up beside him.  She gently pushed him back down in a reclining position and lay down beside him.  "But you are really good now.  I wouldn't keep coming over if I wasn't being satisfied."  She spoke softly in his ear, making her voice huskier than normal.

            Azrael grinned slightly.  "You're not so bad yourself."  

            Gwen laughed and ruffled his hair.  "You're such a sweetie." 

            Azrael grimaced and tried to smooth down his hair.  "Am not."

            Gwen laughed again.

*****

            "Shit!  I have to go!"  Gwen rolled off the bed and onto the floor.  

            Azrael pushed up on one elbow, watching her hurriedly dress.  "Fuck.  Why?"

            Gwen rummaged on the floor for her socks.  "I promised my aunt I'd meet her for lunch today."

            Azrael scowled.  "Why the hell would you do that?"

            Gwen looked at him, her eyebrows raised.  "Because I wanted to spend time with my aunt?"

            Azrael grunted and slid off the bed to dress as well.  "You promise any of your other relatives you'd do something with them today?"

            Gwen shook her head as she sat down on the bed to tie her shoes.  "Nah, I've already visited my other relatives I wanted to see."  

            Azrael paused in the middle of pulling on his pants.  "So how much longer are you staying in town?"

            Gwen shrugged and stood up.  She turned toward Azrael and smiled. "That all depends," she replied vaguely.  Crossing the room, she opened the door and stepped outside.  

            Azrael scowled as he zipped up and buttoned his pants and threw on a shirt before following Gwen out.  Pursuing Gwen across to the apartment door, the former demon barely noticed the presence of Loki and Bartleby in the apartment's living room.  "On what?"

            Gwen stopped at the door and turned to face Azrael.  "I'll call you later," she said, ignoring his last question.  She stood on her tiptoes to look at Loki and Bartleby over Azrael's shoulder.  "Bye, Larry!  Bye, Barry!"  The two mumbled farewells and Gwen settled back on her heels.  She smiled at Azrael, garnering a smile in response.  "Will you be all right while I'm gone?"

            Azrael smirked slightly.  "I think I can manage."

            Gwen grinned.  "That's my boy!"  She stood on her tiptoes again to kiss Azrael on the cheek before leaving.  

            Azrael closed the door behind her, all ready thinking of when he'd see her again.  Grinning, he turned to go to the kitchen.  He stopped at the sight of Bartleby and Loki watching him from the couch, matching grins on their faces.  The grin slipped from his own face, to be replaced by an annoyed scowl.  "What?"

            Bartleby shook his head and looked at Loki.  "I can't believe what I'm seeing, Loki."  

            Loki nodded, snickering, with a glance in Azrael's direction.  "Yeah, I can't believe it myself.  Our Azrael-"

            "What are you fucks babbling about?"  Azrael glared at them; annoyed that his friends were making fun of him and that he had no idea what they were making fun of him _about_.

            Bartleby smirked.  "You love her," he stated, more than a bit smugly.

            "Who?" Azrael asked, confusion clear on his face.

            Bartleby rolled his eyes.  "Oh, come on!  Even you can't be _that_ naïve!"

            Azrael frowned.  "What the fuck are you talking about?" 

            Bartleby sighed and shot Loki a rueful look.  "You're in love with Gwen," the former angel told Azrael, slowly and emphatically. 

            "What?!  I am not!" 

            Loki shook his head, smirking slightly.  "Don't try to deny it, Az."

            "I'm not denying anything!  I'm just telling the simple truth.  I don't love Gwen!"

            Bartleby arched a brow.  "Yeah?  So why has she been over here every night for the past ten days?"

            "'Cause she's good in bed, you dumb fuck!  I like fucking around with her.  That's it.  I don't love her.  Hell, I don't know how to love anybody."

            Bartleby sighed and shook his head, turning to Loki again.  "He's hopeless."  Loki nodded in agreement.  

            Azrael glared at them.  "Eh, forget you retards!  I'm going out."  Grumbling under his breath, Azrael turned and headed for the door.  Upon reaching it, he stopped and turned back to the two former angels.  "And don't make too much of a mess while I'm gone."  Smirking, Azrael turned back and exited the apartment.  

            Bartleby looked at Loki, puzzled.  "What did he mean by that?"

            Loki shrugged.  "Beats me."  

            A long pause, then-

            "Do you wanna-"  

            "Sure, why not?"  Loki shrugged.  

            Bartleby grinned in return and leaned over to kiss Loki on the mouth.  As usual, it didn't take long for them to shed their clothes.

*****

            Azrael walked out of the apartment building, still annoyed at his friends' comments.  "It's not true," he muttered to himself.  "I don't love her."  Cursing the two retards, Azrael started in the direction of the park, which was the only place he could think of to go.

            "Hey, pimp!  Where's your girlfriend?"

            Azrael turned at the voice, finding it vaguely familiar.  He realized why as he stared at the teen wearing a backwards cap smirking up at him.  "Stop calling me that!  And what are you talking about?"

            The teen waved a hand dismissively.  "Whatever.  You know who I'm talking about.  The chick you've been banging for the past ten days."

            "She's having lunch with her aunt."  He stopped and glared at the teen.  "And she's not my girlfriend."

            The teen chuckled.  "If you say so."

            "I do say so, so shut the fuck up!"  Steamed, Azrael turned his back on the kid and continued in the direction of the park.  

            "Hey, pimp!  Say hello to your girlfriend for me next time you see her!  She's really hot!"

            Azrael quickened his pace.  "Annoying little fuck," he growled. 

            Azrael was still annoyed when he reached the park.  "They're all nuts.  I don't love Gwen.  I don't!"

            Azrael stalked through the park, not really noticing the beautiful scenery around him.  Not that he would have cared much if he had.  Azrael wasn't really the outdoorsy type.

            "It's not true," he muttered to himself.  "I don't love her.  I don't!"  He continued down the path, muttering angrily to himself.  He didn't notice the strange looks he was earning from the other park visitors.  He didn't notice the people on the same path as him crossing over to other paths to avoid him.  So he was surprised when he stopped to find himself in an open area of the park with nobody around.

            "Where'd they all go?" he wondered aloud.  

            "Avoiding you like the plagues, I suppose," a most familiar voice spoke up from behind him.  

            "What are you doing here?"  Azrael turned to stare at the familiar face of the oft- irritable Metatron.  "Someone might've seen you appear out of nowhere."

            The Voice rolled its eyes.  "Please. You've scared off any eyes within a mile radius that might've seen.  Now, what's all this fuss about?"

            Azrael shrugged uncomfortably and looked away.  "What do you mean?"

            Metatron rolled his eyes again.  "Let's not play this game."  

            Azrael sighed, rolling his eyes in aggravation.  "Fine.  It's about Gwen."

            Metatron raised an eyebrow.  "You mean that poor girl you've been seeing?"

            "Yea-Heeeeey!  What do you mean, poor girl?"

            Metatron waved a hand in a dismissive gesture.  "Forget I said anything.  Now, what's the problem with this po-uh-Gwen?"

            Azrael eyed him, suddenly suspicious.  "Why do you care?  In fact, why are you here at all?"

            Metatron paused, a somewhat guilty expression on his face, then sighed.  "All right, I'll be honest.  God-for a reason I can't comprehend-sent me to help you with whatever it is that's troubling you.  Frankly, if it were up to me, I'd say let you fuck things up on your own, but for _some_ reason God wants to help you.  Now, what's the problem?"

            Azrael sighed.  "There isn't a problem.  Everybody seems to think that I'm in love with Gwen.  Which I'm not!"

            "Then how do you feel about her?"

            Azrael scowled.  "I don't feel anything about her.  I just like fucking her."

            Metatron snorted.  "Please, none of those petty mortal fronts.  Now, how do you really feel about her?"

            Azrael growled.  "It's true!  I enjoy messing around with her, and that's it!"

            Metatron gave Azrael his best stern stare.  "Azrael…"

            Azrael sighed.  "Fine."  He frowned then shrugged uncomfortably.  "I have no fucking clue.  Sometimes I really feel like I lo-uh-_like_ her, but sometimes I'm not sure…I don't know!  I have no idea what these human feelings are!  I'm just a fucking demon!"

            "Correction-you _were_ a "fucking demon"-as you so crudely put it."

            "Whatever!"

            "Touchy, aren't we?  Well, from what you've told me and from what I hear, I can only tell you one thing…You're a bloody moron!  The girl likes you and you like the girl.  What's the problem?"

            Azrael stared at the Metatron, a bit put off.  "I never said I didn't like her."

            Metatron rolled his eyes.  "And I quote, 'I don't feel anything about her.  I just like fucking her.'"  Metatron cleared his throat.  "Well, I would _love_ to just stay here and continue arguing with you about your petty feelings, but _I_ have more important things to do."

            Azrael's eyes widened.  "Wait!  What about me?  What am I supposed to do?"

            Metatron rolled his eyes heavenward with a sigh.  "Honestly, can't anyone think for themselves?"  He shook his head and directed his attention on the former demon.  "Just think about what I've said.  You should be fine-I guess."  Metatron patted Azrael kindly on the shoulder before disappearing.  

            "Gee, thanks for the help," Azrael grumbled, rolling his eyes.

            "I heard that," the Metatron's disembodied voice retorted.  

*****

              Azrael cautiously entered the apartment.  He sighed in relief when neither Bartleby nor Loki were in sight.  "At least one thing's gone right today."  Azrael hurried across the apartment to his room and slammed the door behind him.  

            Azrael sighed and sunk down onto his bed.  Staring at the ceiling, his thoughts turned to what he had been avoiding.  It couldn't be true.  Could it?

            "It's crazy," he told himself.  "I can't love anybody.  I can barely stand Bartleby and Loki and they're my friends."  

            Azrael growled.  "Being human is too hard!  I can't handle all these stupid _feelings_."  Azrael sighed and closed his eyes.  Exhausted from fighting the others and himself, he soon fell asleep.

*****

            Azrael jerked awake at the sound of the phone ringing.  The sound could barely be heard from outside the room, but it was enough to wake the former demon.  Sitting up, he glanced at the clock on the bed stand.  4:00.  He'd slept for a good four hours.

            "Damn.  Maybe I should sleep once in a while when Gwen comes over."  

            The sudden pounding on his door caused him to jump.  

"What?" he snapped.

            Bartleby's voice made Azrael wince.  "Hey, lover-boy!  Your girlfriend's on the phone!"

            Grimacing, Azrael stood up and walked to the door.  He opened it and gave Bartleby his coldest glare.  "She's not my girlfriend."  

            Bartleby raised his brows.  "Of course not," he replied in an all too innocent voice, smiling to match it.  

            Glaring at him, Azrael suddenly realized his friend was standing in front of him in only a pair of jeans.  Azrael grimaced mentally.  Bartleby and Loki were altogether too comfortable in his presence.  "Whatever," he said uncaringly, brushing past his friend.  He crossed the living room to the kitchen, where the phone was located.  He picked up the phone.  "Hello?"

            "Y'know, it's too bad your friend is gay.  He's not bad-looking."  

            Azrael leaned casually against the kitchen counter.  "Yeah, well, he is a fag.  So are you coming over tonight?"  He almost winced at the shortness in his tone.  She wouldn't like that.  

            "I don't know.  I might be busy."  Anger was clear in her voice as she spoke.

            Azrael sighed and rubbed a hand down his face.  "Sorry.  It's been a long day."

            Gwen's tone changed completely.  "Aww, did my poor boy have a bad day?  Do I need to come over and make it all better?"

            Azrael grinned in spite of himself.  "Sure you're not too busy?"

            Gwen laughed.  Azrael loved it when she laughed.  Liked.  He _liked_ it when she laughed.  He didn't love her.  "Nothing that can't wait."

            "So when can you come over?"  He shot a glare at Bartleby when he noticed him watching from the living room.  Bartleby just grinned at him.

            "Uh, six?  We can have dinner or something."

            "Okay."  Azrael shot another glare at Bartleby but the former angel's grin only widened.  

              "See you soon, then.  Will you survive until I get there?"

            Azrael turned his back on Bartleby.  "I think I can manage."  He raised his voice so Bartleby could surely hear him.  "I don't know about a certain someone, however.  I might have to kill him."

            Gwen chuckled.  "I don't think Larry would like it if you killed Barry.  Bye."  There was a click as she hung up.  

            "Bye."  Azrael hung up the phone and spun to face Bartleby.  "She's not my girlfriend, you dumb fuck.  She's just coming over so we can have dinner and fuck each other senseless all night."

            Bartleby sighed, rolling his eyes, and folded his arms.  "Come on, Az.  Just because you used to be a demon doesn't mean you can't care about anybody."

            Azrael scowled.  "I told you.  I don't love her."

            Bartleby shook his head.  "Stop it, Az.  Just stop it.  If Loki can forgive me for killing him, surely you can care about this girl."

            Azrael stared at his feet, frowning, for a moment.  "I should get ready," he mumbled and fled to his room.

*****

            "Nice dinner, wasn't it?"  Gwen smiled at Azrael as she sat down on his bed.  It was just after seven and they'd just returned from eating out.  

            "Yeah," Azrael answered half-heartedly.  He flopped down on the bed.  

            Gwen smiled as she joined him, snuggling up next to him.  "I told my aunt about you."  

            Azrael looked at her.  "Really?  What'd you tell her?"

            Gwen grinned.  "Only good stuff."

            "What kind of good stuff?"

            Gwen raised herself up on her elbow and smiled down at him.  "Just that I met a handsome, funny young man who I really liked."

            "Anything else?"

            "Just that he was also really sweet, no matter how much he protested he wasn't."

            Azrael rolled his eyes.  "You didn't tell her we were sleeping together, did you?"

            Gwen shook her head then smacked him lightly on the chest.  "Of course not.  Do I look stupid?"

            Azrael grinned.  

            "Don't even," Gwen warned him.  He shrugged and she settled back beside him.    

            Azrael sighed at the feel of her pressed against him.  After a long silence, he hesitantly spoke.  "Gwen, have you ever been in love?"

            "What?"

            "You know."

            Gwen was silent for a long time.  "Once."

            Azrael looked at her.  "What happened?"

            Gwen looked away for a moment before meeting his gaze.  "There was this boy.  We went out, but I was always cheating on him.  By the time I realized how I really felt about him, it was too late.  He had only his friendship to offer me.  So I took it.  We're still friends."

            Azrael frowned, feeling a bubble of jealousy rise up at this unknown guy.  "Do you still love him?"

            Gwen frowned.  "I don't know.  Maybe."  She eyed him carefully.  "Why?"

            Azrael shrugged, grinning as best he could.  "No reason."

            Gwen smiled at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes.  "Well, is there anything else you want to talk about?  Or can we move on to more fun stuff?"

            Azrael smirked.  "Nothing that comes to mind."

*****

            Azrael stared down at Gwen, asleep in his arms.  Her warm, naked body felt nice pressed against his.  The scent of her filled his nose.  Sweat, mixed in with her light perfume.  He'd never smelt something so good.  

            Azrael shook his head.  Sleeping with her was always nice, but tonight had been different.  Somehow it had been more special.  Very special.  

            He touched her cheek lightly with his fingers.  Her skin was warm and soft.  For a human, she wasn't half-bad.  

            Azrael sighed.  Who was he kidding?  She was wonderful.  

            Azrael settled back down beside her, tightening his arms around her.  She murmured and shifted slightly in his embrace.  Azrael closed his eyes as sleep overtook him, finally buckling down and submitting to the fact he'd been fighting all day.  He loved her.  


	4. Truth's Stranger Than Fiction

Disclaimer:  Dogma and all its characters belong to Kevin Smith.  I am making no money off this.

This is a series of stories featuring Bartleby, Loki, and of course, Azrael.  Oh, and be warned, the stories contain some slashy stuff.  

Rated: R 

Reviews are welcomed and encouraged.  Constructive criticism welcome, too.

            Azrael stared blankly at the TV, incognizant of the figures that were moving around the screen.  Instead, all his thoughts were focused on a person not currently in the room.

            "Earth to Azrael."  Loki waved a hand in front of the former demon's face.

            Azrael's conscious was returned to the room.  "Huh, what?"  He blinked and stared uncomprehendingly at Loki.

            Bartleby shook his head slightly as he sat down beside Azrael on the couch.  "Don't bother, Loki.  He's probably just thinking about Gwen again."

Loki rolled his eyes.  "Ugh.  Of course."  He sat down beside Bartleby, sitting much closer to him than Bartleby did to Azrael.  

Azrael glared at Loki as his words sank in.  "What's wrong with Gwen?" he snapped.

Loki held up his hands appeasably.  "Nothing, Az, nothing."

Bartleby touched Loki's arm in a soothing gesture and turned to Azrael.  "How are things between you two by the way?"

 Azrael shrugged, relaxing back against the couch.  "Fine.  Why?"

Bartleby smiled pleasantly and shrugged.  "I just want to know if everything's okay between you two."

Azrael glanced at him.  "Everything's fine."  He hesitated before saying, "Thanks."

Bartleby looked at him, his mouth twitching briefly into a smile.  "You're welcome."

Loki glanced from Bartleby to Azrael and back to Bartleby.  "Did I miss something?"

Bartleby laughed and turned to the blond-haired man.  "Do you ever miss anything?"

Loki blinked, opened his mouth to speak, paused, and then closed his mouth.

Bartleby laughed again and ruffled his hair playfully.  

Azrael ignored them and started flipping through the channels.  "Gwen will be coming over later."       

Loki rolled his eyes.  "Big surprise."

Azrael spared a glare for him but quickly returned his focus to the TV.  "So…I was going to ask you something."

Bartleby glanced sideways at him.  "Really?  What?"

Azrael paused in the middle of changing the channel then continued as though he hadn't stopped.  "It…it's about Gwen."

Loki frowned.  "What about her?"

Azrael stared intently at the TV.  "Well-uh-she's-uh-finished visiting all her relatives around here.  And I was-uh-thinking about, well, asking her to move in."

Bartleby and Loki stared at Azrael.  The former demon in turn stared at the TV, not daring to meet their gazes.  

            "You serious?"  Bartleby finally asked after a momentous silence.  

            Azrael nodded, still not turning his gaze from the TV.

            "Well…"  Bartleby hesitated, glancing at Loki, then continued.  "It might be a little crowded…but sure, I don't mind."  

            Loki nodded agreement.  "Me either.  Gwen isn't half-bad--as humans go, that is."

            Azrael finally looked at them, a hopeful expression on his face.  "Really?"

            Bartleby shrugged.  "Sure, why not."

            "Are you going to ask her today?"

            "What?"  Azrael looked taken back.  "Oh, no, I was going to wait until later.  I want to figure out what I'm going to tell her."

            Bartleby nodded.  "Just don't wait too long."

            Azrael looked at him before turning back to the TV.  "Of course."

*****

            "Shit!  What do I say?  What do I say?"  Azrael paced his room, growling to himself.  He planned on talking with Gwen the next day and he still had no idea what he was going to say.  He stopped at the sound of banging on his door.  

            "What!"  Azrael wasn't in the mood to talk to the dynamic duo.  

            "We need to talk," Bartleby's muffled voice replied.  

            Azrael sighed, briefly debating telling them to fuck off.  Then, growling under his breath, he strode to the door and ripped it open.  "About what?"

            Bartleby looked at him pleadingly.  "Can we just come in?"

            Scowling, Azrael stepped aside for Bartleby and Loki to walk in.  He closed the door and turned to face them.  "I hope this doesn't take too long.  I'm in the middle of something."

            Bartleby shrugged as Loki sat down on Azrael's bed.  "It shouldn't.  We just need to talk."

            Azrael rolled his eyes.  "So talk," he demanded.

            Bartleby and Loki shared a glance before Bartleby started talking.  Bartleby would do all the talking of the two.  Which he always did.  "Look, Az, ever since you asked about Gwen moving in, Loki and I have been talking-" 

            "Obviously," Azrael muttered.

            Bartleby rolled his eyes but let it slide and went on.  "Loki and I have been talking.  Now, you know we both like Gwen and we don't mind her living here."  Bartleby paused and shared another glance with Loki.

            Azrael scowled, not liking the hesitation in Bartleby's voice.  "But…?"

            Bartleby sighed and scratched the back of his head.  "Look, Az, so far we've been able to keep up this whole charade with Gwen about being normal people.  But so far she's only been around for a few hours at a time.  If she moves in here-"

            "She'll be here all the time," Loki put in helpfully.

            Bartleby looked at him.  "Right.  So-uh-so Gwen will be here all the time..."

            "So what?"

            "So…what if one of us slips?  What if we mention something or-or call each other by our real names?  How would we explain it?  If it happens years from now, it might really upset her.  You know how mortals are.  They hate being lied to and the longer it's gone on, the more they hate it."

            Azrael frowned.  "I never thought of that."  Bartleby had a good point.  And now they had a real problem.  "What can we do?"

            Bartleby shrugged.  "Well, that's up to you.  The way I see it, you have three choices: one, you can break up with Gwen and this will all be over; two, you can not tell her and just hope it all goes well; or three, you can tell her the truth and hope for the best."

            Azrael stared at him, his words sinking slowly in.  "Fuck," he finally said.  

            Bartleby smiled sympathetically.  "Just think about it."  He headed out of the room, patting Azrael's shoulder as he passed him.  

            Loki stood up and followed him.  He paused, smiling at Azrael.  "Don't worry so much, Az.  You love her.  You'll figure it out."  He, too, patted Azrael's shoulder before leaving the room.  

            Azrael stared after them a moment before shutting the door.  He stared at the door and sighed.  Things had just gotten a lot more complicated.

*****

            Azrael paced his room.  He'd been inside it for the past couple hours.  He'd been doing a lot of thinking in those hours and his only reward was a migraine.  

            Feeling tired, Azrael finally sat down on his bed.  He sighed.  "This sucks."  Azrael scowled and rubbed his forehead.  _This is worse than Hell, _he thought.  _Well, close to it anyways._

            Shaking his head, Azrael laid back on the bed.  "I guess I have no choice," he sighed.  

*****

            Azrael paced the living room, muttering to himself.  Gwen would be there any moment and he had no idea how he was going to tell her.

            "Hey!  Do you mind, Az?"  Loki grimaced at the former demon.  "You're blocking the TV!"

            Azrael stopped abruptly, stared at Loki, and then stared at the TV.  "Sorry," he said absentmindedly.  He moved out of range of the TV and resumed pacing.

            "Pacing isn't going to make her come faster," Bartleby sighed patiently.  

            Azrael ignored him.  He knew pacing didn't help, but it made him feel better.  Looking at the other two men didn't and he studiously avoided looking in their direction again.  Bartleby was seated innocently enough at the end of the couch.  Loki, however, was lounging on the rest of the couch with his head in Bartleby's lap and the remote in his hand.  Looking at them made Azrael's stomach flip-flop with dread and jealously.  

            The doorbell suddenly rang and Azrael stopped pacing.  For a second he couldn't breathe and it took a few more seconds before he could move to the door.  He opened it slowly and found Gwen smiling up at him.  

            "Hi!"

            Azrael smiled weakly.  "Hi."  He took a long second to study her face.  "We need to talk."

            Gwen blinked at him and her smile slipped into a puzzled frown.  "Okay…"

            "We can talk in my room."  Taking her hand, he led her inside and across to his room.  He released her hand to close the door then slowly turned to face her.  

            Gwen raised her eyebrows in an expression of befuddlement.

            Azrael tried to smile reassuringly but only half-succeeded.  "Uh, sit down."  She did so and he stood for a minute not knowing how to start.  "Look, this is hard for me to say-"  

            Gwen smiled at him.  "So just say it."

            Azrael sighed and rubbed his eyes before looking at her again.  "I haven't been completely truthful with you."

            Gwen's eyes widened as she stared up at him.  "What?" she asked weakly.  

            "I'm not exactly who I say I am…"

*****

            "…And that's it.  The whole, God-honest truth."  Azrael swallowed dryly as he finished speaking.  He watched Gwen apprehensively, waiting for her response.  So far she'd been mostly quiet.  

            Gwen sat with her head cupped in her hands, her elbows on her knees, as she stared up at him.  For a long moment, a torturous moment, she just stared up at him with no emotion in her face or eyes.  Then, without a sound, she stood up and approached him.  For another long, torturous moment she just stared up at him, looking piercingly through him.  Then, without a sound, she moved past him and opened the door, walking out.  

            Bartleby and Loki's heads swiveled around as she walked out of Azrael's room.  They watched her cross the apartment, headed straight for the door.  They turned their heads further to see Azrael walk out of his room.  The former demon stopped in the middle of the living room.  The apartment was completely silent except for the dull murmur of the TV as Gwen opened the apartment door and walked out, shutting the door behind her.

            For a moment, Bartleby and Loki sat on the couch watching Azrael stare solemnly at the apartment door.  Then, without so much as glancing at them, Azrael turned around and walked silently into his room, slamming the door behind him.  Bartleby and Loki stared at the closed door for a moment before exchanging somber looks. 

*****

            "Azrael, haven't you done enough moping?"  Bartleby stared down at him with his arms crossed and a frown on his face.

            Azrael blinked up at the former angel from his reclining position on the couch.  "I'm not moping," he grumbled.  Matching Bartleby's frown, he took a swig from the can of beer he held in one hand.  

            Bartleby snorted.  "Then what's all this?"  He swept an arm in a motion that encompassed the several empty beer cans that lay scattered on the floor in front of the couch.  

            Azrael looked at them blearily.  "I was thirsty."

            Bartleby sighed, his expression softening.  "Look, Az, I know you're still upset about Gwen.  I understand.  But lying around getting drunk all day doesn't help."

            Azrael glared at him.  "What do you suggest I do?  Just fucking forget all the shit that happened between us?"

            Bartleby sighed again and shrugged.  "I don't know.  Just get out of the house.  Take the dog for a walk; get some fresh air."

            Azrael grunted and finished his beer in a long gulp.  "The bitch doesn't like me.  Apparently she's not the only one."  He frowned and looked down at the floor for a minute.  Then he looked up at Bartleby and smiled winningly--or tried to.  "Get me another beer?"

*****

             Azrael's head dropped onto the bar's counter with a dull thud.  He stared through his empty glass with glazed eyes.  After many rounds of tequila, he was completely smashed.  And he still couldn't stop thinking of Gwen.  

            Groaning, Azrael sat up and motioned to the bartender.  Maybe a few more rounds would faze her out of his mind.  "Get me 'nother tequila."

            The bartender eyed him with a frown.  "Wouldn't you rather I get you a cab?"

            Azrael scowled at him, which wasn't very effective considering he was having trouble focusing on the man's face.  "Hey!  If I wanted a cab, I would've ordered one.  Now get me a fucking tequila."

            "Go ahead and get him the tequila.  I'll make sure he gets home safely."  

            Azrael didn't turn his head to look at the dark-haired man who was seating himself beside him.  The bartender frowned again, eyed Bartleby for a minute, and then slowly moved away to fill the drink.

            Azrael dropped his head onto the bar, still not looking at Bartleby.  "You just said to get out of the house.  You didn't say where."

            Bartleby rolled his eyes then sighed.  "Well, that is true."  

            "Can I just drink myself into oblivion in peace?"  

            Bartleby laid a hand on his shoulder.  "I'm letting you have one more drink and then we're going home."

            Azrael groaned.  "I don't want to go home."

            "Look, Azrael, Loki and I decided we haven't been very helpful getting you over Gwen.  So Loki went to get some movies and I came to get you.  We can make a night of it; watch movies, get wasted, and eat pizza.  You know, like the mortals do." 

Azrael brushed Bartleby's hand from his shoulder.  "I don't need your sympathy."

Bartleby rolled his eyes.  "What, you prefer lolling around wallowing in your self-pity?"

Azrael looked at him scornfully.  "Why, yes I do.  How did you know?"

Bartleby frowned sternly at him.  "Well, you can do that back at home."

Azrael scowled but before he could reply, the bartender returned with his drink.  Azrael grabbed it and downed it in mere seconds.

Bartleby stood up as soon as he finished.  "Time to go, Az."

"Just one more?  One for the road?"

Bartleby rolled his eyes and pulled Azrael to his feet.  "We're going home."

*****

            "Jeezus, Azrael, you look horrible!"  Bartleby shook his head as he stared down at a very rumpled Azrael.  

            Loki wrinkled his nose.  "And you smell horrible, too."

            Azrael scowled at them.  "Then why are you hanging around me?  Go to your room if you'd rather."

            Bartleby frowned at him.  "Azrael, go take a shower.  You're stinking up the whole place."

            Azrael opened his mouth to make a snide remark but was interrupted by the ring of the doorbell.

            Bartleby sighed and glared sternly at Azrael before moving to answer the door.  He looked through the peephole and turned to Loki and Azrael, a strange expression on his face.  "Azrael, I think it's for you."

            Azrael blinked then frowned.  "Who is it?"

            Bartleby shook his head and walked over to join them in the living room.  "Just answer the door."

            Sighing heavily, Azrael dragged himself to his feet and walked unsteadily to the door.  He opened it and looked into the face of none other than Gwen Turner.  "Gwen?"

            "Alan?"  Gwen's eyes widened as she looked him up and down.  "You look horrible." 

            Azrael smiled wanly.  "So I've heard.  What do you want?"

            Gwen's expression became uncertain.  "We need to talk."

            Azrael stared at her a moment before opening the door wider.  Smiling uncertainly, she walked past him into the apartment.  Azrael followed her into his room, the both of them ignoring Bartleby and Loki, who were standing in the middle of the living room.

            Gwen turned to face Azrael as he shut the door, looking nervous and scared.  "Do you remember…what you told me…the last time we talked?"

            Azrael nodded apprehensively, leaning back against the door.  "Yes."

            Gwen stared at the floor, wringing her hands, before meeting his gaze.  "Well, what you told me really freaked me out at first.  I mean, your story really sounded incredible.  At first I thought you were crazy or trying to scare me off."

            Azrael arched his brows.  "At first?"

            Gwen smiled faintly.  "And then something happened, and I—I believe you."

            Azrael tensed, certain he'd misheard her.  "You believe me?"

            Gwen stared him in the eye and smiled.  "Yes.  I believe you.  And I love you."

            Azrael gulped, relief spreading through him like a flood.  "What made you change your mind?"

            Gwen smiled, an odd expression on her face.  "Let's just say that a certain mutual, accented friend explained everything to me."

            Azrael stared at her then smiled back.  "So you really believe me?  You still love me?"

            Gwen nodded.  "Yes, I do."

            Azrael smiled broadly, finally willing to believe his ears.  "Thank God."

            Gwen chuckled.  "Her, too."

            Azrael swallowed, coming to a sudden decision.  "Gwen, will you move in?"

            "Okay," Gwen replied immediately.  

            "Great," Azrael said breathlessly.  He moved toward her, intending to kiss her.

            However, Gwen pushed him away when he got close.  "Jesus, you stink!"

            Azrael grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry.  Would you mind waiting while I go take a shower?"

            Gwen grinned mischievously at him.  "Would you like some help?"

            Azrael lifted his eyebrows and matched her grin.

*****

            "Wow.  That was different."  Azrael was surprised by how breathless he sounded.  

            Gwen chuckled as she rested her head on his chest.  "And men wonder why women read the magazines we do."

            Azrael was afraid to speak so he said nothing.  Feeling more contented than he'd ever felt before, he ran his fingers gently through her hair.  

            Gwen sighed and lazily brushed her fingers across his abdomen, smiling at his reaction.  "Azrael?" she asked, almost hesitantly.

            Azrael's heart skipped a beat and he thought his name had never sounded so good as it did rolling off her tongue.  "Yeah?"

            "I-I love you.  Azrael."

            Azrael closed his eyes in ecstasy at the sound of those words.  "I love you, too, Gwen."


End file.
